I have made a very important life-decision today.  It has been on my mind for quite some time now.  I have stayed awake some nights thinking about it, trying to plan for it…just trying to prepare for the inevitable, you know?  Needless to say, I have been quite concerned until recently.  Indeed, I just couldn’t see any way around it.

But the time for fear is over.

Today, I announce that I am officially no longer afraid of the Zombie Apocalypse.

I must say that I feel a lot of relief getting that off of my chest!  Whew!  Feels pretty good.

I mean, think about it: why get worried about it?  You see, this is where we can actually thank Hollywood—we have a plethora of horribly made, sometimes cheesy horror flicks dealing with what the Zombie Apocalypse might actually be like…possibly.  AND, if those films are at all accurate (not too much of a stretch, right?), then these Zombies should be pretty easy to beat the crap out of.  I mean, they are slow, they make a lot of noise, and all they really care about is eating brains.  Most have broken limbs and walk kind of gimpy.  They don’t seem to be the most deep of thinkers.  I mean, do you know any zombie philosophers?  Those are the ones that eat the brains, but don’t think the brains are real. 

Ha ha ha. 

Doors seem to be a problem for them most of the time.  The only thing zombies have going for them is that they somehow manage to chew on a whole bunch of people before they get to you, so they do have numbers on their side.

Hollywood has done a lot of what I would call excellent research for us and has exposed the ‘Achilles Heel’ of the zombie: the head.  Any kind of blunt force trauma to the head seems to make them drop like a sack of nickels.  It is a good thing that the unliving never seem to figure that out about the living.  Headshots with shotguns appear to be effective, according to the data, that is.  Actually, headshots with any kind of gun works, but, for some reason, there is always a shotgun.  It kind of makes me wish I had a shotgun.  Or any gun, for that matter.

But it is usually right about now that I start to get worried: what if the ‘Achilles Heel’ for the zombie-kind is not the head?  What if it is like the left kneecap or something weird like that?  We would all be wasting our time bashing in heads to no avail.  Oh sure, it would still be fun, I think, but it would not be effective.  We can’t lose our focus here—we need to think about how to survive the Zombie Apocalypse! 

What if they have some type of psychic connection and hitting one zombie’s left knee cap instantly kills one towards the back of the pack?  How would you ever know?  Now your wasting time, bashing in heads and pulling Tonya Hardings.  Oh sure, they are dropping like flies at the back of the pack, but what is going on in front?  Hello!  Brains!

And it only gets worse.  I have a feeling that not all of the zombies are going to be limping and dragging their feet and what not.  What about the dead athletes?  I’m sure there will be at least a few competitors.  I do feel like I am pretty fast if I need to be, but what if the Undead Usain Bolt comes after me?  I bet you that guy is still quicker in death than I am in life!  See, you need to be prepared for these things.  I’m not sure that doing the Thriller is going to do any good.

I would climb a tree.  Bolt may be a good runner, but he doesn’t look like a good climber to me.  I could be wrong, but I will take the chance.  Plus, he will be after my brain, remember?  Fortunately, my brain is located on the top of me (I looked it up) and I don’t plan on climbing any trees feet first during the Zombie Apocalypse, thank you very much!  While Bolt goes for my brain (located conveniently on my top, BTW), my feet are free to Tango on his face.  Maybe I can kick all of his teeth out before he gets to my brain.  Because I think he will eventually get to my brain, you know.  That Usain Bolt is a competitor.  Even in Undeath, I bet he would still not give up.  But, by that point, according to my calculations, he’ll be gumming my forehead.  I hope it will tickle.  That should ease the tension a little.  And it is important to keep things loose during the Zombie Apocalypse.

And you know if the zombies can get a guy like Usain Bolt that they have got to be taking down some ninjas.  This is a point that I am not absolutely sure of, ‘cause ninjas are da bomb and all, but, it is best to be prepared.

Now you have zombie ninjas.  Can you imagine the zombie Usain Bolt charging at you with zombie ninjas lurking somewhere in the shadows?  This is where I begin to doubt my chances.  Zombie ninjas would have the skills to pay the bills…for sure.

It is a good thing my dad gave me some ninja blades, ‘cause I will at least be armed for an epic sword duel during the Zombie Apocalypse.  And, should there be any zombie ninjas, I can assure you the dueling will be legendary.  Trust me…I have been practicing with imaginary foes on a pretty regular basis.  If the zombie ninjas move exactly as I have choreographed them to move in my mind…well, you may want to head over to my place during the Zombie Apocalypse.

No, I don’t have any guns, but I do have some weaponry.  I also have what I assume is an exact replica of Excalibur.  Talk about intimidation, right?  Maybe I will confuse the zombies—they will think I am the Zombie Arthur.  And, as they all bow down to pay me homage, grumbling in zombinesse “My Liege”…that’s right!  Ol’ Excalibur replica comes right down on—you guessed it…their left knee cap.  You see, it is customary, even among the Undead I imagine, to get down on the right knee when paying homage to royalty.  Leaving ol’ lefty perfectly exposed.  Stupid Zombies…. 

I think these things through, if I haven’t already mentioned that.

Oh, sure, they will probably look up at me with betrayal in their sad, zombie-puppy-dog eyes, wondering why Zombie Arthur is so frickin’ mean…but hey, this is the Zombie Apocalypse.  It is kill or be killed.  Nothing personal.  I don’t even care if they have zombie children to take care of—these are my brains we are talking about!  I kind of like them!  The more I use them, the more fond of them I get!

The other thing I get terribly concerned about is if, during the Zombie Apocalypse, there is just some kind of horrible miscommunication?  I mean, I can’t say that I am really that familiar with zombinesse.  I do know enough to say “My brains—hands off!” and “My Liege”, but that is about it.  What if they just really like my hat?  What if they admire my curly hair and want to know how I style it?  What if they are coming at me with outstretched arms because they just want a hug?  This is concerning to me because what if I am pre-programmed to kill zombies on sight, assuming they are after my brains, but really they are just embarrassed about their lack of hair (‘cause in those zombie movies, not many of them have hair anymore) and they want to cover it up.

I think I would feel terrible if that were the case.  I would feel obligated to take in their zombie children and raise them as my own.  Yeah, I would probably raise them in the ways of the Warlock Ninja.  I think they would grow up to make their Undead-then-Re-dead parents proud.  Of course, they would probably feel obligated to swear vengeance upon me.

Epic sword battle, then the Excalibur replica, the bowing, left knee cap—DONE!

So, my point here is that, moving forward, I am really not going to fear the Zombie Apocalypse anymore.  All I really need to do is stock up on an assortment of hats (which I will store with my food storage) and learn how to say “Hair gel” and “Snuggle?” in zombinesse and I should be okay.  That way I am covered with the hat thing, the hair thing and the hug thing.  If they still don’t respond, I can’t be held responsible for what happens next, that’s all I am saying!

Also, as I am done worrying about this, if anyone has any Zombie Apocalypse related questions, I suddenly have some free time on my hands.  Also, I am now willing to think/worry about other zombie ninja related topics/scenarios.

Also, thanks a frickin’ lot, Tony Parker!  Your twisting of your ankle is really bad for my fantasy basketball team, so get over that soon, okay?

Also, I do feel obligated to state that there is no actual scientific or religious evidence to indicate that the Zombie Apocalypse is ever going to happen.  But isn’t that what they want you to think?

K, bye.