I have made a very important life-decision today.  It has been on my mind for quite some time now.  I have stayed awake some nights thinking about it, trying to plan for it…just trying to prepare for the inevitable, you know?  Needless to say, I have been quite concerned until recently.  Indeed, I just couldn’t see any way around it.

But the time for fear is over.

Today, I announce that I am officially no longer afraid of the Zombie Apocalypse.

I must say that I feel a lot of relief getting that off of my chest!  Whew!  Feels pretty good.

I mean, think about it: why get worried about it?  You see, this is where we can actually thank Hollywood—we have a plethora of horribly made, sometimes cheesy horror flicks dealing with what the Zombie Apocalypse might actually be like…possibly.  AND, if those films are at all accurate (not too much of a stretch, right?), then these Zombies should be pretty easy to beat the crap out of.  I mean, they are slow, they make a lot of noise, and all they really care about is eating brains.  Most have broken limbs and walk kind of gimpy.  They don’t seem to be the most deep of thinkers.  I mean, do you know any zombie philosophers?  Those are the ones that eat the brains, but don’t think the brains are real. 

Ha ha ha. 

Doors seem to be a problem for them most of the time.  The only thing zombies have going for them is that they somehow manage to chew on a whole bunch of people before they get to you, so they do have numbers on their side.

Hollywood has done a lot of what I would call excellent research for us and has exposed the ‘Achilles Heel’ of the zombie: the head.  Any kind of blunt force trauma to the head seems to make them drop like a sack of nickels.  It is a good thing that the unliving never seem to figure that out about the living.  Headshots with shotguns appear to be effective, according to the data, that is.  Actually, headshots with any kind of gun works, but, for some reason, there is always a shotgun.  It kind of makes me wish I had a shotgun.  Or any gun, for that matter.

But it is usually right about now that I start to get worried: what if the ‘Achilles Heel’ for the zombie-kind is not the head?  What if it is like the left kneecap or something weird like that?  We would all be wasting our time bashing in heads to no avail.  Oh sure, it would still be fun, I think, but it would not be effective.  We can’t lose our focus here—we need to think about how to survive the Zombie Apocalypse! 

What if they have some type of psychic connection and hitting one zombie’s left knee cap instantly kills one towards the back of the pack?  How would you ever know?  Now your wasting time, bashing in heads and pulling Tonya Hardings.  Oh sure, they are dropping like flies at the back of the pack, but what is going on in front?  Hello!  Brains!

And it only gets worse.  I have a feeling that not all of the zombies are going to be limping and dragging their feet and what not.  What about the dead athletes?  I’m sure there will be at least a few competitors.  I do feel like I am pretty fast if I need to be, but what if the Undead Usain Bolt comes after me?  I bet you that guy is still quicker in death than I am in life!  See, you need to be prepared for these things.  I’m not sure that doing the Thriller is going to do any good.

I would climb a tree.  Bolt may be a good runner, but he doesn’t look like a good climber to me.  I could be wrong, but I will take the chance.  Plus, he will be after my brain, remember?  Fortunately, my brain is located on the top of me (I looked it up) and I don’t plan on climbing any trees feet first during the Zombie Apocalypse, thank you very much!  While Bolt goes for my brain (located conveniently on my top, BTW), my feet are free to Tango on his face.  Maybe I can kick all of his teeth out before he gets to my brain.  Because I think he will eventually get to my brain, you know.  That Usain Bolt is a competitor.  Even in Undeath, I bet he would still not give up.  But, by that point, according to my calculations, he’ll be gumming my forehead.  I hope it will tickle.  That should ease the tension a little.  And it is important to keep things loose during the Zombie Apocalypse.

And you know if the zombies can get a guy like Usain Bolt that they have got to be taking down some ninjas.  This is a point that I am not absolutely sure of, ‘cause ninjas are da bomb and all, but, it is best to be prepared.

Now you have zombie ninjas.  Can you imagine the zombie Usain Bolt charging at you with zombie ninjas lurking somewhere in the shadows?  This is where I begin to doubt my chances.  Zombie ninjas would have the skills to pay the bills…for sure.

It is a good thing my dad gave me some ninja blades, ‘cause I will at least be armed for an epic sword duel during the Zombie Apocalypse.  And, should there be any zombie ninjas, I can assure you the dueling will be legendary.  Trust me…I have been practicing with imaginary foes on a pretty regular basis.  If the zombie ninjas move exactly as I have choreographed them to move in my mind…well, you may want to head over to my place during the Zombie Apocalypse.

No, I don’t have any guns, but I do have some weaponry.  I also have what I assume is an exact replica of Excalibur.  Talk about intimidation, right?  Maybe I will confuse the zombies—they will think I am the Zombie Arthur.  And, as they all bow down to pay me homage, grumbling in zombinesse “My Liege”…that’s right!  Ol’ Excalibur replica comes right down on—you guessed it…their left knee cap.  You see, it is customary, even among the Undead I imagine, to get down on the right knee when paying homage to royalty.  Leaving ol’ lefty perfectly exposed.  Stupid Zombies…. 

I think these things through, if I haven’t already mentioned that.

Oh, sure, they will probably look up at me with betrayal in their sad, zombie-puppy-dog eyes, wondering why Zombie Arthur is so frickin’ mean…but hey, this is the Zombie Apocalypse.  It is kill or be killed.  Nothing personal.  I don’t even care if they have zombie children to take care of—these are my brains we are talking about!  I kind of like them!  The more I use them, the more fond of them I get!

The other thing I get terribly concerned about is if, during the Zombie Apocalypse, there is just some kind of horrible miscommunication?  I mean, I can’t say that I am really that familiar with zombinesse.  I do know enough to say “My brains—hands off!” and “My Liege”, but that is about it.  What if they just really like my hat?  What if they admire my curly hair and want to know how I style it?  What if they are coming at me with outstretched arms because they just want a hug?  This is concerning to me because what if I am pre-programmed to kill zombies on sight, assuming they are after my brains, but really they are just embarrassed about their lack of hair (‘cause in those zombie movies, not many of them have hair anymore) and they want to cover it up.

I think I would feel terrible if that were the case.  I would feel obligated to take in their zombie children and raise them as my own.  Yeah, I would probably raise them in the ways of the Warlock Ninja.  I think they would grow up to make their Undead-then-Re-dead parents proud.  Of course, they would probably feel obligated to swear vengeance upon me.

Epic sword battle, then the Excalibur replica, the bowing, left knee cap—DONE!

So, my point here is that, moving forward, I am really not going to fear the Zombie Apocalypse anymore.  All I really need to do is stock up on an assortment of hats (which I will store with my food storage) and learn how to say “Hair gel” and “Snuggle?” in zombinesse and I should be okay.  That way I am covered with the hat thing, the hair thing and the hug thing.  If they still don’t respond, I can’t be held responsible for what happens next, that’s all I am saying!

Also, as I am done worrying about this, if anyone has any Zombie Apocalypse related questions, I suddenly have some free time on my hands.  Also, I am now willing to think/worry about other zombie ninja related topics/scenarios.

Also, thanks a frickin’ lot, Tony Parker!  Your twisting of your ankle is really bad for my fantasy basketball team, so get over that soon, okay?

Also, I do feel obligated to state that there is no actual scientific or religious evidence to indicate that the Zombie Apocalypse is ever going to happen.  But isn’t that what they want you to think?

K, bye.

This post is for my lovely wife, who, although a proud and successful mother to two beautiful girls, feels somewhat out of place with the prospect of raising a little boy.  Admittedly, her knowledge of Star Wars is scant.  So, to bolster her confidence, here is phase 1 of her first Star Wars lessons.

WARNING: the following content is of a nerdy nature.  Take two aspirin before proceeding, as the information herein and the images will probably baffle the non-nerdy.  I didn’t ever say that it all made sense, or even that it could really happen.

DISCLAIMER: although I will readily claim that I am a nerd and a geek, as I like Star Wars, I must admit here (lest anyone post a comment mocking me) that this post is meant to be humorous.  Sometimes sarcasm is hard to see in written form….  Also, this post will be very long, so drink some caffeine beforehand.

Let me quote from one of my favorite websites.  And by favorite, I mean I just found it today: http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Main_Page, also known as “Wookiepedia”.

"I'm just a simple man trying to make my way in the universe."

―Jango Fett^[src]

Jango Fett was a renowned human bounty hunter, assassin, mercenary, and the "father" of Boba Fett, a genetic clone of his, whom he raised as a son. A Human from Concord Dawn, Fett was adopted by Mandalorian warriors following the murder of his parents and the disappearance of his older sister Arla in 58 BBY. Years later, he would go on to lead them through much of the Mandalorian Civil War. After being imprisoned by Jedi, Jango was responsible for destroying the Death Watch, a Mandalorian group who killed Jango's mentor, Jaster Mereel.

Following the conclusion of that conflict, Jango left the Mandalorians and became a bounty hunter, quickly establishing a reputation as being one of the best inthe galaxy. Later on, Fett agreed to serve as the genetic template for the clones that would form the bulk of the Grand Army of the Republic during the Clone Wars. When Master Obi-Wan Kenobi located Jango and Boba on Kamino, Jango fled to join Count Dooku. Though struck down by Mace Windu in combat, Jango’s legacy would live on through his son Boba, as well as his cloned brethren, who would have a profound impact on galactic history.”

So, Jango Fett was the genetic template for the clone troopers and father-figure to his own clone, Bobba.  I mean, can we get original here, or what?!?

Here are a few pictures of Jango’s outfit so you can get an idea of the subtle differences between him and the clone troopers:

Here is a picture of Jango and his son Bobba Fett, who later on hunted down Han Solo and took him (frozen in carbonite, mind you) back to Jabba the Hutt:

Autographed copy, no less.  Nothing but the best for my wife!

Here is what Jango and Bobba would have looked like had Mace Windu not cut-off Jango’s head before Bobba grew up…or, had both Jango and Bobba been a couple of middle aged nerds, still living in their mother’s basement, that saved up from their paper route all year just so that they could attend a Star Wars convention:

That’s Bobba on the left and Jango on the right.

Here’s what Jango would look like if he were a Lego character.  You need to memorize these things, Brooke, if you are ever to be a successful mother for a young boy:

Focus, Brooke, focus.

Here is what Jango’s helmet looks like, close-up.  Pay attention to the detail, because the clone troopers’ helmets look similar, but there are differences:

Now, here is a picture of Jango along with the clone troopers:

Now you can see the similarities and the differences, eh?

Okay, the clone troopers.

Back to Wookiepedia:

“"A weapon they are. Obey orders without question for good or ill. For now they fight for us. Who is to say what the future holds?"

―Yoda^[src]

Clone troopers were an army of identical, genetically-modified clones, created to serve in the Grand Army of the Republic during the conflict that came to be known as the Clone Wars.^[1] Cloned and raised in the cities of Kamino, the clone troopers, trained and drilled since birth, and came to be regarded as one of the most efficient military forces ever to have existed in galactic history. This was not only due to their training, but also to their unwavering loyalty to the Galactic Republic and its leader, Supreme Chancellor Palpatine.”

Here are a few pictures of clone troopers.  Some had different colors on their helmets, which I think corresponded to rank or specialty.  The ones with blue stripes, I believe, were members of the 501st Legion, a unit commissioned later by Darth Vader himself that came to be known as “Vader’s Fist”:

Now, sometimes, clone troopers were assigned very mundane activities, such as guarding a hotel lobby:

Sometimes, rare genetic defects would arise and some clone troopers would not quite grow to full size:

They were deemed “less-advantageous”, though, as another trooper would have to hold their hand in scary situations.

After the fall of the Galactic Republic, when Chancellor Palpatine became Emperor Palpatine and Anakin Skywalker became Darth Vader, the clone troopers got a “new look” as well as a new name.  Summarizing from Wookiepedia, the stormtroopers of this period were about 1/3 of the clones from Jango Fett.  Essentially, the Emperor started to let these die out, replacing some of them with 3 different genetic templates.  Eventually, the stormtroopers were used less and less, replaced by human recruits.  The stormtroopers, without the guidance of Jedi generals, were left to their own and quickly gained a reputation for being brutal and ruthless.  More of that in a minute.

Here is a few of the variants of stormtroopers:

This was the infantry type.

These were the scouts/snipers.

This is the front-line trooper (infantry) with a snow-camouflage twist.

This was the pilot class.

Okay, back to the part about the stormtroopers being left on their own.  Well, isn’t this just a lesson about the importance of families?  I mean, give the boys some direction for crying out loud!

Is it any wonder that they started getting a little, well…flippin’ weird?

Needless to say, some got in quite a bit of trouble:

But, cut them some slack.  At the end of the day, these guys take their specialized battle armor off one leg at a time, just like you and me:

I clearly need to watch the Star Wars series again, because I do NOT remember this:

You got to admit, some of these stormtroopers were pretty inspirational:

Speaking of inspirational, here are a few Star Wars-related motivational posters that I found whilst conducting my research:

That last one will make sense to you, Brooke, someday.  Perhaps when you complete these lessons.

Aww, what the heck, here is a little hint for that last one:

Well, there is one last part of this lesson, Brooke, before we are concluded.  Here is a view of what we will cover in the more advanced lessons:

Now, the last part of this lesson falls into the category of “unexplainable and slightly disturbing”.  Of course I am making reference to the social phenomenon known as the Star Wars Convention.  This is a forum where a bunch of geeks dress up and fantasize about what it would be like to be in the Star Wars universe.  I like Star Wars, but this is beyond me, Brooke.  I will make no attempts to explain any of this, Brooke.  These pictures, I believe will speak for themselves.

The only thing I will say is this: WOW!

AAAAAHHHHHH!!!

Tell me those two aren’t dudes….

Perhaps the preceding images can best be summed up with this:

That is all for now.  Really long post, huh?  It’s amazing how much space one can use when one adds photos….